theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
