If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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