I didn't shave. On purpose
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
