I hate all girls vehemently.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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