I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
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