It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think I have vodka in my lungs
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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