Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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