I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
