Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
