In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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