She is in my trunk
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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