I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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