Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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