My Higher Power is John Stamos
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
