I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
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It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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