oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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