??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
