Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
