I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
