Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
