can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
