I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
