im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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