so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
