the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
