airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
