Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
