Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
