apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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