You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
