It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
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If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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