I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
