May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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