So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
