would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
