You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
