So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
