Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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