Just fell off a train. Bad.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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