I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
