Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
