I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
