If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
