i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we made out on top of his cat.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I checked into jail on foursquare
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
