I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
