i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
