Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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