I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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