She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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