This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
No subtext here. People are naked.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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