I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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