Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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