I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
