I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
