dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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