a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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