Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
