I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
