The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
