If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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